ARBITRATOR: I’d like to thank the three of you for agreeing to meet. When Jo first suggested the idea, I wasn’t sure we could make it happen; after all, there’s a long history of tension among your three clans.
CY: Yeah, whatever. Can we get started? I’m in a bit of a rush …
JO: Of course you are! You always are! That’s why we’re here!
MO: Oh, please! I’d rather be running behind him than you, with your sightseeing, flower-sniffing, rock-collecting brood …
ARBITRATOR: Whoa, slow down! That’s what I’m talking about. If we’re going to make any progress, we need to hear each other out. Let’s try again. Cy, you first.
CY: Fine. I’ve been riding my bike since Breaking Away. I follow the rules of the road — riding with traffic, passing on the right, using hand signals …
MO: Yeah, I’ve seen some of your hand signals, Buddy.
CY: Dude, I’m going 35 miles an hour! How about making room for me?
MO: Glad to! How about ringing your legally required bell to warn me you’re barreling up my …
CY: Fine! How about taking out your earbuds, or at least dropping the volume? I’m sure Shakira will understand.
MO: I keep my music loud to drown out the sound of Carol Brady here and her six-pack of rugrats.
JO: So families don’t have the right to walk along the canal?
MO: Can you do it without lining up like the Rockettes? I feel like I’m in some intergenerational game of Red Rover.
CY: He’s got a point. Also, your stroller’s the size of the Death Star.
JO: Tell you what: If both of you would just give a friendly, G-rated warning that you’re coming up from behind, I’ll gladly make room.
CY: Fine with me. Just remember that faster traffic always passes on the left.
MO: Say there’s a runner coming up behind a walker while a biker is coming in the other direction. What then?
CY: Fastest one wins. Please don’t make us swerve. Isn’t my life worth more than your personal record?
MO: Ummm …
JO: Awkward. Moving on. Let’s talk about spitting.
CY: What about it?
JO: Stop it. Just stop it. Both of you. It’s not Camp Hockaloogie. You’re not 12.
CY: She’s got a point. It’s pretty gross.
MO: Fine. Excess fluids go off the trail, away from humans, as discretely as possible. Anything else?
JO: Eye contact. What’s with that? Why can’t we at least acknowledge each other’s presence? Unless we’re Olympic demigods, there’s no need to avert our eyes.
MO: No argument here. It would be nice to get a smile, or at least a nod, from other trail users.
CY: True. But if I’m in the zone, I might be too focused. No offense.
JO: None taken. It’s all good.
ARBITRATOR: Wow! We’ve made a lot of progress today! See what we can accomplish when we’re willing to listen to each other? Now that the three of you know how to behave, I’ll enjoy my trail time so much more!
MO: That’s right! Wait … what?
ARBITRATOR: Oh, please! Misty and I have been cantering down those trails for years! You people don’t have a clue how to act when you’re around equines! They’re not big dogs, for the love of God! Seriously, get a clue …
END OF TRANSCRIPT
West Bloomfield resident Teresa Benoit Keyes invites runners, walkers and strollers to participate in the July 18 Patrick Parrish Memorial 5k, sponsored by the Bloomfield Class of 2015 IB CAS students. Details at http://www.bloomfieldcsd.org